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Thx; BUT No Thx!!!

It never occurred to me that I could actually be breathing the same air as someone so wicked with their bag full of sheer unhappiness and disillusionment and regrets and resentment toward life itself; or so it seems. What is it going to take for you to see the error of your own ways?! When you look in the mirror, do you truly see a victim?!  Do you ever think you will overcome that role and grow into a whole human being?!  Is it possible that your life is however terrible it is ONLY BECAUSE OF YOU and the decisions {right or wrong} that you have made?! Please consider that possibility, then ponder it. It’s called self-efficacy-it will do your life some good. You have built a human machine of nothingness for yourself and you have your shell of a human self to show for it. You walk around with this “gaunt-like” spirit and your aura feels so hopeless and desolate! Was I that desperate that I totally disregarded the obvious signs?!  How could I slip so far away from my own bigger picture?!  You are NOT an obstacle; but you have been a distraction, you’ve been like the paparazzi to me. You know there’s a saying that in the Italian language where paparazzi means noisy buzzing annoying little insects. Now imagine that… My perspective of you went from a matriarch to a pariah!!! I shall not wish to be vexed by your mere presence any longer passed the past. I’ve known you waaay too long, in my opinion. I wish I’d never have met you!  You have borne suspicion and disgust in me towards you as a person, which leads me to wonder, what exactly were to attempting to accomplish here?!

 

There are people like you in life that make the worst decisions blame others without truly receiving any constructive criticism; self-evaluation; or medication for that matter! I’m not sure whether to call you ill or evil or lost or disturbed or Q: all of the above. I’ll take letter Q for a stack {$1000} please!!!

That would never happen to you…

I don’t know how many people have ever just sat alone and actually attempted to conceive and ponder the fact and the truth that we are EACH going to die in any way possible and even impossible. We are gonna die because we each have sinned. We each have loved. We have each tried to stand up for what we think is right. We all make mistakeS! We each have the fight or flight hormone/reflex. We all have that button that can be pushed. We are all gonna have to answer for the lives that we have led on this place called Earth. One thing is for sure, we are each most definitely leaving this place. And in every race {even though we are one} we all know that to be a fact and the truth. The only things that inevitable are change and death! But death is the horizon to a totally different most infinitely something else! That, by the way, renders us no choice; but to be absolutely ok with that!

DONE!

So how do we feel about that at this very moment? We hoop and holler and we think that we are reading studying following the right sets of rules; demands status quo that will collectively be acceptable for at least a pass into whatever best realm we think our spirits are hoping for. Is that enough? Have we really done enough personallly? Can we safely say that we’ve helped enough people and exclaimed our God? Have we genuinely made peace with the fact that absoolutely not one of us have the power or control over when how what time nor who is around when we die.

…unless you commit suicide {directly; or indirectly}!

Sprint, 2 the Finish Line!

Life is a race; but it’s only a race between us. The goal is not how many problems we can acquire; but how many problems we can solve. We must find our way to achieve the goals for which we have set for ourselves and not worry about the people around us no matter how well their lives might be ‘dressed up’. Each of us has their own path. So why are we on key to judge only by what we see and clearly not what we ourselves have experienced? We think every day about how we can make ourselves better at whatever it is we do, meanwhile, someone else is exposing a  part of themselves that may take the spotlight off of our own mistakes-for a moment [‘cause remember, these hills have eyes, and everybody’s watching].

There have been many stories about how people have had gifts and talents and then those same people have allowed those gifts to slip away. What it is those gifts have been laid dormant; become outta practice. What we must do is find another way to get back into the race. And the bottom line is no matter how many times we fail at whatever we attempt to achieve, as long as we are living, it’s simply never too late. We have to train ourselves, coach ourselves, tough-love ourselves, motivate ourselves, (ya see where I’m going with this?) it is only up to our selves, how our lives will not turn out; but end up. No matter how many people we have brought up; or let down, we must still finish our own race alone. …kinda endearing, dontcha think?

If you think about it, every since we learned to walk and talk, we thought that we could take over the world! And the funny thing is we could; but that’s in another life or parallel universe, cause in this life, none of us can get our shit together, nearly enough. The truth and cliché are “we are the world…” We each need each other. We each feed off of each other’s vibes.  And we each hurt one another because we are all we have around us. Oh! But if there was biological warfare, we would be the human race. If there were U.F.O.’s we would be the human race. And yet, when the whole world is not simultaneously threatened or in some kind of danger, therein lies idle time for us to challenge each other in infinite kinds of races and yet again, we will never be fulfilled. We have the innate curiosity that could potentially lead us directly into the face of adversity; however, the gut feelings that people have are still considered to be unrealistic and seemingly taboo to this day; but some form of devil worshipping has always been fair game since the beginning of time, from witch craft to politics!

The way I see it, we all have our own lives, and whether we win or lose will ultimately be up to us. The race doesn’t count if we allow someone else to run it for us because we as individuals still have to answer with our own spirits after death and that’s really the only thing that is certain, in every race, species and organism on this Earth. Not just anything; but everything is our own personal decision. We can talk about the things that we want to accomplish; but as long as we are talking and not grinding, then we are slowly forfeiting our own race. Even though our lives are predestined, we are totally oblivious to what is in our future; therefore, we must race to the finish line striving for what is best for us. It is imperative that we recognize understand and act on our own behalf for our lives’ sake because we don’t while people are moving forward and accomplishing their goals our faces are heading toward the dust.

I hope I see ya @ the finish line! I’m striving to get the gold, ‘cause I’m definitely gonna win!

…this is it.

We have the power the right the responsibility to think say be feel act however whenever wherever we choose at any moment in time; but we must realize that there are infinite consequences to each circumstance. Each circumstance is independent of itself because everyone is living their own realities, therefore, no one’s sum will equal to the same. And yet, we are all searching for the same thing; yet NOT using the tools that have been made available to us as individuals and as the human race since before the earth itself was created. Life flows constantly and fluidly and we do not take advantage of the sheer blessing of life itself along with each other-instead we harp on each others’ come-ups and rewards and covet; envy what they have and not even be aware that we have the power to exude our own fingerprints in the history of the earth. Each of us have a purpose; but it is only up to us to figure out what that purpose is otherwise, we are not only depriving ourselves; but the energies and spirits that we were put here to reach out to. Even though we are predestined to live a certain reality, as far as we know, we have precisely what we need to live out the realities that we seek. We can simultaneously feel change in the air; but it’s a fleeting feeling, not to be experienced again like feathers in the wind. Feathers in the wind are like what our lives are and however we live our lives will be the only thing remembered. We can’t go back and delete and do absolutely anything over.We must discover, accept and act upon our rights, responsibilities, especially our power!  I say that simply because–this is it!

What it do!!!??

Boggled is too broad of a word to use when I want to describe the plethora of emotions that I experience just from consorting with people from day to day. We all have our own demons, hang ups, morals [some have none at all] and we all know life differently from any other person that we know-no matter how intimate two people are. What hurts my spirit is when we don’t realize-recognize-attempt to compensate for our short-comings. Although we will never achieve perfection, our purpose is to come as close to being as perfect as possible. How is it so easy for us as individuals to slip into this proverbial “ok”-ness?!? We all will eventually become set in our own ways, and think that this is what is meant for life. But if we know that none of us are even close to perfection, then how do we accept the latter? As long as we live, we will continue to learn something new. And if we don’t learn from our mistakes, then we are doomed to relive the same circumstances, and make them over and again. The hangnail is that maybe the situation will look or seem different. However, the same things that you did before, you can’t do anymore! The same things that were fun and dangerous are simply dangerous now, with a list of consequences to consider… The same things in life that mattered when we were younger just don’t seem to hold the same value anymore. So why is it that we try to hold on to some of the same old thought-processes and ideals? Just like our homes, cars, clothes, we must spring clean our lives, ergo our values; friends; spirits; circumstances. I don’t believe that we have to wait for New Years Eve to make these resolutions. But we damn sure need to put forth way more effort to make sure that these realities come true! NOW!

WE, R 1!!!

Every person all over this world wants the same thing in life-peace within and happiness through out. We each will do WHATEVER we feel that it take to make ourselves that way; or just to get us to that point.

Now, we allow people into our lives because we think they will accept and appreciate us. We think that they will be just like us, understand who we are. We all expect this from all other relationships from every other person. If we allow people into our space that means that we trust this person (enough) in some capacity. This means that we will have allowed them into our intimate space. We expect them to be like us, understand us, not judge us, especially because we have allowed ourselves to be vulnerable [...;but not necessarily in a negative way].

So in knowing this why would we; why do we question or second guess this person that we’ve allowed to be so close to us. Why do this if we know that this is precisely the position that we will NOT except? If they are not worthy, then why would it; is it so hard to cut people off? If we know that this person is NOT ’what that is’; then what really are we holding onto that gives us more personal satisfaction? If any person is contrary in a way to where their mere existence in our lives does NOT benefit in some pivotal way, then why are we/do we hold ourselves back by letting them get in the way?!?

Why do we second guess or question the people that we have chosen to be in our lives? How do we allow people into our lives then allow them to compromise our own perception of reality? Why do we not have control over what people transfer to us that will directly affect our lives? Let things go! These are our lives and we have the right and responsibility to manage them according to what we feel and how we think.

Not even fear should be allowed to neither constitute; nor govern our goals and futures. Everything is up to us! But we all are different and want different things. All we know is how to obtain/achieve things based on our particular circumstances. We will be doing ourselves a great ‘a due’ if we let the things go in our lives that are obstructing or distracting our plans. It will actually progress both us, and the other person if we release ourselves of the unnecessary consortia. For the men, it will be one less nag about something that they’re not trying to hear, and for the women it will be one less issue that we will be forced to give ourselves to, for nothing! Peace/happiness are common goals that we are all attempting to reach and we each must do WHATEVER we feel that it take to make ourselves that way; or just to get us to that point!

We, can do no wrong!

You know, I think that inspite of everything that is going on in each of our lives, and how we [collectively] interact, we must look at how beautiful the night sky is. The moon is always lit whether we see it or not. If you just look, we will see that the stars are peeking throughout the sky. If we can experience that, then @ that point, we will have had a slight out-of-body-experience. Peace! Peace about whatever shall happen. Comfort. Being able to inhale and exhale and just be comfortable within yourself @ that very moment! No matter what happens from this point on we have been afforded the opportunity to just be ok. When it all comes down to it, everything has been to survive and simply move on from this life. But even until then, we should appreciate the reality for abosolutely, right now-because everything is taxing to the psyche and the ego! So, it is mandatory {to me} that we should definitely work hard, play hard, and rest hard. Otherwise, we are definitely forfeiting the game!

Life Happens!

So, today [as every other day] I went through a series of feelings. I started out thinking that I should not have to get outta bed; but be able to simply get paid, just because… I don’t know what the ‘because’ could possibly be-since I can’t even decide what I wanna do with myself! So, I muster up the energy and the nerve to face the world, yet another day. I take my usually reluctant shower that turns out to be the freshest start of the day. All the while I’m preparing for my day I’m thanking The Father, The Creator, The Higher Power for not letting me die in my sleep; but to do better this day, than the last day. I randomly put an outfit together that happens to be so nice that it commands quite a few compliments. “I know, right? Thanks!” I attempt to be the’drippy-syrupy-sweet’ lady that I am; but it’s always that one phone call that puts me in “oh hell no” mode! Yet, somehow I install a rebuttal that gets to the bottom of the situation and satisfies my ego at the same time! So by now, I feel ashamed that I spoke in such a way to this person, and then I’m mad at the individual for arousing such derogatory energy in me. I have all these personal feelings and issues that I must deal with along with keeping a poker face throughout the day, and sometimes it’s difficult to maintain such a task. It needs to get done though. Throughout the day, I meditate on being successful @ so many things that I can’t really put a handle on just one talent and focus on it. I include that I want my health to be in better shape; but I’m afraid that if I work out, lest, I will lose the sexiness :-/ I add that I wanna be in love; but I have such a jaded outlook on the whole (screwed up human attempt @ what is supposed to be the) institution of marriage-I’m afraid of being one of the statistics that I use to prove points in debates. However somehow, I believe myself to be a hopeless/helpless romantic, so I attempt to live vicariously through other people’s lives; but that’s not as personally fullfilling as having someone of my own. Oh yeah, and work! Work is gr8; but it’s not a career that I want to hold me down forever. I love my job; but that in and of itself is just a job! I want to be and say and do more! I’m actually studying to understand why I can’t consciously make more sound decisions. It’s amazing to even me, how I can just rattle off such sound advice; but it seems virtually impossible for me to follow my own advice. AND IT’S GOOD ADVICE! I can read people’s situations and regeritate a ‘work in progress’ in a heartbeat. But I can’t even win friends back that I pushed away; or lovers that I now have buyer’s regret about. …all of this is going on as I say “goodmorning; goodafternoon; good evening; how are you; thank you; have a good evening”. A plethora of thoughts, consuming my mind just within the time that it takes for me to return to my desk. I am a whole person. What does it mean to be complete? What am I lacking? Where do I need to search for these answers? If I’m so gr8, [I'm much gr8er than gr8], then why is it so hard for me to find my niche in life? I can’t blame anyone else for anything-as I’m an adult now, no excuses… so what is it? And what’s your story?

The Ambassodor of the Flies

I sincerely thought that my intimacy was ok to connect with dating the flies despite them being misfits. The social misfits. They ride in wheelchairs, they walk on crutches, they look funny, smell funny, act funny, talk to you funny; yet they too still require and desire love. So here I go. I’m sweet, I’m nice. I have charisma! Most people really think that I’m cool and crazy! But I’m very petite. So there are not that many people who are willing to listen to me off the cuff. So I try to love these people anyways. I’m pretty on their arms! I show them a side of “woman” that they would have not otherwise seen. I see the potential inside of them that sometimes, they don’t see in themselves. I want to see them overcome their obstacles and be ”that man”. I want to be a first to share some experiences with him-as I believe in the sheer ‘novel-excitement’ of first times. But I think that I’ve figured it out. Like Katt Williams said ” we need to find out what it is about ourselves that keeps attracting ‘deadbeat guys’”. I said that I think that I’ve figured it out… I’m trying to be the Ambassador of the Flies. But who am I to try to be “the one” to even the flies?!? They are looking for anybody to show them some love just like everyone else. They don’t care about insignificant stuff like loyalty, that’s meaningless to them. And potential, they don’t need potential, they just need for someone else to take care of them. They try to use covert abuse, and they say that it’s the animal in them that society accepts and expects for their behavior to emerge from. But I sorely disagree! I believe that everyone [man especially] should be held accountable for their own actions. Neither is it my fault the circumstances the fly is a part of; nor is it my unconditional love that should be held in mockery of or as a prisoner because he hasn’t taken the responsibility of being more… Now, I realize that I can’t be mad at him if he doesn’t know how to treat me. I don’t even have the right to judge him or take my love away because he won’t work on his inadequacies or shortcomings as a man. If he is complacent and rests in a perpetual state of being a deadbeat, who am I to insist on him doing better? He is clearly ok with being just the way he is and is guaranteed to stay just the same with or without me. So I must decide for myself what is best for me. I realize that I must be my own Ambassador. I need to focus and recognize my own potential and see that I deserve more-greater than what the little flies have to offer, or who can’t even see either one of our potential for extraordinarism! But the flies keep nagging! They keep calling and showing up; but I simply can’t subject myself any further. I must move on from this emotionally-genocidal roller coaster, and act like I know what I need… I need to quit running-jumping-hopping-skipping-falling in love with the wrong people. I don’t need to be thinking about saving a man. Hell, I don’t even want to be saved by a man. I just want some help and I want to help someone to enjoy life to its uttermost fullest potential. But it’s NOT gonna be with you. Sooo, bye :-)

This is What We Get

So, we all have things in our lives that we use to alleviate – mitigate – medicate certain situations. And everybody isn’t up on everything; but everybody judges each other. The way we feel, the way we learn, even the way we think is going to be affected/effected/infected by others. And yet, we are the hardest on each other. This is a self inflicted human-genocide! I for one, do whatever I do, and still expect to be loved! You may feel like an eye for an eye, and others may not give a damn period! And all of this gravitates around itself in the interim of being in a consortia, with itself and Us! Just as I was going to ask ‘what does life use to medicate – alleviate – mitigate itself’, behind that thought #3 said, “life’s good. Life’s a bitch. Life’s about what you make of it, then you die”. Wow, that’s slightly profound for someone that’s sorta crazy [#3]! And it’s true, which is why ALL of us have things in our lives that we use to run from – suppress -or just simply shut down on. Life puts obstacles in out paths; yet they present us with outlets in order to cope with life, itself. Nothing is going to be a certain way, consistently! Clouds dissipate – the heat cools off, time passes by. And we are still here to render any services needed and just let time heal it all. But the mere fact AND truth that we judge each other is discouraging to me being apart of the human culture. It is us that we need to make this world better, and it is us who ultimately compell each other to tear it up/down/apart. …and this is what we get!!!